This year is ending in a way that I never could have imagined nor planned for. I truly spent so much of my time thinking about us as a unit that I did not even think about the ways in which Jerrica would move through 2020 as an individual. Because I am so lost, I felt is would be best to put into writing the things that I want to happen and the things that need to happen in this upcoming year.

I need to release the hold that trauma has on me.

I want to travel. A lot.

I need to live a healthier lifestyle and I want to lose weight.

I need to let go of the idea of needing someone to be whole.

I want to read a lot more.

I need to let go of the constant searching for more. I need to be intentionally present.

I want to explore Austin more. Trails. Restaurants. Live Music. Comedy shows.

I need to get to know myself a lot more.

I want to get more tattoos.

I need to learn how to better express my pain.

I want to express myself more artistically.

I need to start expressing gratitude daily.

I need to stop conditioning my worth. My worth shouldn’t exist under guidelines.

I want to find a community in……?

I want to go back to school or at least be in some sort of learning environment.

I want to laugh more.

I want to relearn Spanish.

I need to see my friends and family a lot more.

I need healing from…?

I want to do a 3 month cleanse.

I want to feel the freedom of being able to make mistakes.

After my last post, things got much worse for me before they got better. But I am happy and grateful to say that some light is shining through in the room of darkness that I have been. Through tough love, self talks, and a miraculous wave of inspiration, I am brave enough to admit that I have been locking myself in that room and no one else. Imagine, choosing to sit in a pitch black room, wallowing, and letting life go by when all you needed to do was get off your ass open up the fucking door. Mental health is real. I am not invalidating the experiences that I have had or will have. But I made the biggest mistake when it comes to my mental health, I let it define me and I let it become me. I saw myself as nothing more than my struggles. Through that, I saw the world as a place that lacks abundance, happiness, and beauty. I became jealous of others’ happiness. I was angry that they could be happy, really happy, while I was simply doing my best to pretend. I lied to myself when I told myself that real happiness doesn’t involve real pain or real struggle. I lied to myself when I said that I could truly live life while simultaneously holding onto a life’s worth of pain, guilt, grudges, and hatred. I skirted around the idea of confrontation and tried to convince myself that these problems would just go away. But I am not doing that any more. I am making a vow to be honest to myself and to others. I am giving myself the tough love I deserve. I am acknowledging that the only person who ever truly got in the way of me being happy was myself and what I allowed to enter and stay in my life. I deserve to treat myself better than that. It is time that I rediscover who the hell I am; the strong, smart, confident, outspoken, hard-working, driven, independent, BEAUTIFUL, boss bitch I am. Truthfully, I don’t even know who that girl is anymore. But I can’t wait to meet her again. No more throwing pity parties for myself. It’s time to celebrate the one life I have been given and make the most of it. All glory to the Most High for opening my eyes.

Today is hard and I only woke up 2 hours ago. Its a similar feeling to when you are ready for the week to be over on Monday. It is so much easier for me to preach to others about grace and kindness to oneself when going through seasons of really rough depression but I cannot seem to take my own advice. I am frustrated with myself. I am not where I would want to be mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. It makes me feel so bad because I have so many blessings in my life that I am grateful for, and yet I am not happy. I don’t want to watch my life go by in black and white because depression won’t let me see in color.